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Welcome to my corner of the internet. I'm a submissive who enjoys sharing my love of D/s & BDSM.

Whole Again

I’ve been battling a lot lately mentally and emotionally. I’ve been dealing with some things that I have no control over and I’ve been accused of some things that I would never do.

It hurts.

A few years ago, I made a huge decision and completely changed my life. The recent issues I am dealing with have really made me doubt my decision. I’m left feeling like a failure and doubting so much in my life.  My friends tell me I’m not a failure.  That I’m meant to be where I am and something good will happen.  I have a lot of trouble believing that right now.

Additionally I’m having a lot of body image issues. I don’t feel like myself. I don’t feel remotely beautiful or cute. I hate majority of my body at the moment. I look in the mirror and only see the negative things.  I, the person who preaches self image and body love, hate everything about myself physically at the moment.

All of this together has my depression running in high gear. I feel like pieces of me are scattered in a million places.  I can’t get them put back together. As much as I try and want to, there is a bigger part of me that says it’s no use.

I just want to sleep. I want to stay in bed curled up under my mountain of blankets. All I want is ice cream and junk food.  I don’t want to be around people. In fact, people just seem to piss me off these days. The only reason I dress normal instead of in sweats is because I’d get in trouble at work.

I’m moody and bitchy, but no one sees it. I’m perfect, poised, and polite in public because I have to be. I can’t let anyone see what is inside unless I invite them in.  Instead I lash out at myself. I take all my anger and vitriol and turn it in on myself. Hurting myself is easier than hurting anyone I care about.  

This is depression (or the rabbit hole as I call it). I know I’m not alone in this. I know depression effects everyone in different ways, but I know those who suffer from it empathize with me right now.  It’s like we’re the super secret unmentionable club; we’re all members and no one understands us but us.

I wish I could just get over it. I wish I could wave a magic wand, say abracadabra, and feel like the amazing, confident woman that I usually am. I can’t though. It doesn’t work that way. I’m in a deep hole and know I’m the only one who can get me out.

Years ago I wouldn’t have made this recognition. When I first started suffering from depression, I didn’t know what was wrong with me. My doctor said I was just having regular emotional issues for my age despite knowing I had come out of an abusive relationship. My depression went untreated. I fell further down the rabbit hole.  It wasn’t until I sat on the edge of the bed one day with a gun in my mouth did I understand.

Yes, I was suicidal. I never would have gone through with it. I still wouldn’t until this day because I can’t do that to my friends and family. I don’t believe in suicide, but I believe in that despair. That moment helped me realize I really needed help. So I went to a new doctor, got on medication, and began therapy.

It was then I knew depression was a real thing and I wasn’t crazy. It wasn’t okay to feel the way I was feeling.  It was the day I was inducted to the super secret unmentionable club.

This time around I recognize that I’m falling down the rabbit hole. Am I doing smart things at the moment? Probably not. I am forcing myself to talk about it though. I am leaning on my support network. I’m working very hard to battle each day. I’m recognizing my mental state and remembering this is something I truly feel.

One day I will wake up and feel a little better. That day will be a victory. I will build on that. I’ll pile each victory until I can crawl out of the rabbit hole.  Until then, my demons and I will battle it out. I’ll find small ways to get back to ‘normal.’ Each day is a test that I am determined to pass, even if I hate the world right now.  I will be whole again.

Yet even now, even in this age of mental illness recognition, part of me is still afraid to admit out loud that I’m going through this. There is a part of me that is afraid to say I suffer from depression. I’m afraid of what people who don’t understand will think. I’m worried that people will think I’m acting out for attention when what I need is help.

It shouldn’t be this way. 

So if you are still with me after this really long post, my point is if you suffer from depression, you are not alone. The feelings we feel are very real. You shouldn’t be scared of them. If you know someone who suffers from depression, it is a very real thing. They need your support and understanding, not your judgement. Support them. Love them. Help them.

One day we’ll all be whole again.

SCC #45

Talk about non-sexual submission.  Is it something you do?  Why or why not?  How does it feel?  What does it do for you or your relationship?

I haven’t delved much into non-sexual submission.  I was beginning to go down that road with one Dom, but our relationship ended before we could really get into it.

The idea of non-sexual submission does interest me, but it’s something that I would want to take very, very slowly.  I’m a very independent woman, so it would take a lot of work for me to let that go in some areas.  

I can say that when it comes to my career, that will always be something that would be hands off to my Dom.  I would certainly ask for input and advice, but my career is ultimately my decision.

I imagine that non-sexual submission would bring a relationship closer.  I also think in some ways it may be a relief to a submissive to turn some basic things over to their Dom.  I think about the million things I have to do in my daily life as a single woman.  There are many days I wish I could have someone in my life that has set a routine for me.  I think that’s an amazing way to care for someone.

I’m sure if I got into a D/s relationship, after time, I would consider non-sexual submission.  I would absolutely be open to discussing.  It couldn’t be an overnight thing.  I’ve been on my own for too long to be able to immediately change my habits.  As long as I had a Dom who was willing to work with my insecurities and stubbornness, then I think I would be eager to explore non-sexual submission.